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Man Law
Man Law is widely considered to be the greatest triumph of modern man, creating a strict guideline for all men to follow, in the pursuit of a more manly culture. 1. No wasted beer in the name of humor. 2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control. 3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl, there is a 6 month waiting period until she can be touched. If he breaks up with her, it's a 6 day waiting period. 4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home. (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full responsibility of driving his friends home.) 5. Short shorts have been banned on men, unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also, no real man should be allowed to pop his collar. 6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal. 7. If a girl and a guy are not officially dating, then it can't be considered cheating. However, if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive than the one he was originally interested in, then he is either... a) Drunk b) A dumbass This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at him. 8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from his cooler... this is the only law with the penalty of death. 9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare in case a friend is in dire need. 10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets. 11. No man shall ever use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then you're not a man. 12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it. 13. When a man is borrowing a buddy's tool or other equipment, if the burrower puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs exactly or over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey... who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours. 14. When your friend picks up a hot girl... however the hot girl has an ugly friend... it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you gotta do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repaid. 15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun. Addendum to Man Law No. 15: If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really shitty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats. 16. It is ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober. 17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom. 18. If you get a beer from the bar, is not it acceptable for you to stick your finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once. You poke it you own it. 19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men. 20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she were to ever find out. 21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count.. rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day. 22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E .. Girls' Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of a bet.. or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants.. (or any other article of clothing). 23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violator of this law, should pop his collar. 24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances. 25. Being a Pirate should be considered a Manly job because pirates get two types of booty. 26. All men must eat meat. A shitload of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegetarian, or eat sick shit like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting. 27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies. 28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry" 29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are separated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you. 30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Lets just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch. 31. Every man should watch sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day. 32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes. Punishment for the attacking male is that if other men see the assault taking place they have the right to take him out back behind a building and show him how to fight with real men. In this situation more than one man may be used in the attacking of said woman beater because he clearly doesn’t mind an unfair fight seeing as he was hitting a lady or a child to begin with. A call to the police is a very last resort and should only be used is said male is over 6' 5" 250lb. or a ufc cage fighter. A kick to the crotch is only called for in cases of rape. If it is merely a guy beating a woman, defenseless child, or elderly people then a legitimate beating is called for, but no shots to the crotch. If it is a case of rape however, multiple shots to the crotch are called for. The punishment must fit the crime and since rape is using that area of the body, it is ok to inflict damage to it (Cameron Ross, Nick Polyzos, Kristina Brockmann, Drew Westerfield). 33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as Mother's day, Birthdays, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved. 34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera, ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships. 35. Women can't drive. 36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10. 37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not. 38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you don't agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support . 39. No more crushing of empty beer cans on your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past. 40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket. 41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal. 42. A man will not live in his parents house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war. 43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". And the right to leave the room. 44. Sex is more important than talking. 45. No man under any circumstance shall men use lip balm. 46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking. 47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller than a housecat. 48. Men will invite other men to Man Law. 49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "it's not their brand." 50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not. 51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes. 52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza. 53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup. 54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you cant drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review. 55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped. 56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn. 57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer. 58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway. 59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male (except the entertainment). 60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. Its understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality. 61. A man purse is still a purse. 62. No man shall dance for fun unless its to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex. 63. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it's on gameday and to support his team. 64. No man shall bring a woman to the guy's night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life. 65. If you do not sweat, it's not a sport. 66. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once. 67. No man shall wear a beret unless it's for his military service. 68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone. 69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man. 70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex. 71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story. 72. Keeping beer from others by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring. 73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only. 74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if he has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man. 75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand. 76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men. 77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone. 78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth. 79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, it is perfectly acceptable to watch. 80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice. 81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, Ice Hockey or Professional Wrestling. 82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. Exception to this rule are monkeys. 83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle. 84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female. 85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry. a) He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph. b) Your date is using her teeth. c) Anna Kournikova gets married. 86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for ripping of clothing. 87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away. 88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man. 89. Never should a man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions. 90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her. 91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monicristo, CAO. 92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined. 93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. 94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence. 95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours. 96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases: "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw". 97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%) 98. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 4 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale. 99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable. 100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hrs notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case. 101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it. 102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean. 103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional) 104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You should know such things. 106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood. 107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline. 108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response. 109. You can not rat out a friend who shows up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks it's broken, or have him paged every seven minutes. 110. A man may only cockblock another man if it is in the best interest of the first man as the counterpart may actually be a "swamp-donkey" and first man may not be aware as he is: a) inebriated, b) blind, c) desperate. 111. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "fuck off" then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about. 112. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.